It has been awhile since I have put anything to paper (or in this case, a blog). Over the last few weeks, I've started journaling again and getting a real grip on what has happened over the last 3 years. I have spent a better part of the last 2 years in some level of depression, whether is was a level 1 to a level 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. The last year being predominately between a 6 - 8 for many reasons.
A few weeks ago, something happened to me, from what I would have previously considered a most unlikely source. I have been struggling, for close to a year now, to get a grip on who I am, what my purpose is, and where I am going. A woman, of whom I did not want to trust, put her hands on me and prayed the most heartfelt, genuine prayer, I have ever experienced from anyone EVER, and God showed himself to me again. This is the 3rd time HE has found someone to find me when I was lost. I'm grateful for her support of love.
For the 1st time since I have started this journey of leaving the career world behind and becoming a full time stepmom and wife, have I embraced my role. I have found resources, and actually asked for HELP for resources, to get me to the place where I can become the woman I want to be in this role!! I don't ask for help unless I'm ready to die. My Dad gets upset with me all the time for not asking when I need it, but waiting until it is so bad that he can't do much. Something happened that night when I allowed myself to open up and pray with her. A week later I even went so far as to open up to my Dad about the depression and my other medical needs due to having. cancer 11 years ago! It was like it was coming out of me before I could stop it.
As a result, I feel more ME since that experience than I have in the last 4 years. I'm embracing my new life by learning how to "eliminate clutter", extreme couponing, and learning how to make laundry more fun by incorporating things I like to watch on TV while folding (stupid as that may seem). Due to the needs of Jacob as well, we are completely revamping this house to move him downstairs to have his own room.... this time the furniture and decor WILL have ME in the upstairs and not just hidden downstairs. I need my books...it's who I am. I need them front and center in my home, whether it is my living room or bedroom. I need to see my books all the time. That way I can contemplate which one I am reading next....
I'm also learning how to be a better StepMom (or as some say a BONUS Mom). Right now, I'm the only female parent they have. I'm just trying to make sure they grow into productive, self sufficient men. I would hate to give another woman a man that can't take care of himself. This has been hard enough.
It's time for some study, reflection, re-examination, and implementation on my part. I'm ready!
