Ever seen the move "You, Me, & Dupree"? Good God. I love Owen Wilson. I never realized how much of that movie had to do with me, until today. My husband has really shown me in so ways, I didn't even realize, how much he loves me and how much faith he has in me as a human being. Lately, I have really been questioning my life choices and whether or not I am even remotely worthy of my place in the world today. To make sense of what I just stated, in the movie, Owen Wilson, who appears to be the most lazy, worthless of the entire group, shows his friends Carl (Matt Dillon) and new wife Molly (Kate Hudson; of whom I personally think is the most beautiful woman on the planet), how amazing each of them are in their own ways, by his screwing up on every level known to man....much how kids do, mind you. The beauty of Owen's role as Dupree ... he talks about his best friend's "Carlism" and how amazing life is because of his friendship with Carl and how amazing his friends' Carl-ism's are. Well, tonight I was trying to share with my husband all the things that "used to make me ME, and how I had myself to a point that I was a "woman worthy of him" when I married him, and how I don't feel like I am today and how frustrated that makes me feel.
He pulled a Dupree on me!! How dare he!! HAHAHA...He actually had the balls to tell me I am a better woman today...all the while looking at me straight in the eye with all the love in his heart a person like me could ever see!!! OMG! How dare he? I'm trying to tell this man how much of a screw up I am, and he tells me I make this family better....
He proceeds to tell me that I can't deal with "change" within myself. Now, he didn't reference the movie, that is all me, but the first thing I thought of was how up tight Carl was, and how hard he was trying to make everything perfect in his new world, being married, with Molly. That was/is me over the past 5 years. I was trying to succeed as a professional, make as much money as possible, and be able to say that I "had achieved". I wanted to make a secure financial foundation for my new family. I honestly felt like I had a responsibility to do that!!! I felt like I wasn't worth anything if I didn't!!! I had just acquired a husband, I had 3 kids to RAISE!! I needed to be freakin' phenomenal!!!!! I needed to be everything everyone else had never been...in my eyes......
The one thing I promised my husband when I married him was that I would ALWAYS have a career, work, and he could always count on me. When I lost my job, he asked me to stay home. At first I was so burnt out I was okay with it. I needed a break. But, when I really thought about it, I didn't get it. Did he just want me dependent, so he could control me? How dare he say that my "Angie-isms' be what make this family work. My ego started working on me. What HE really meant was I was good for the boys. I took it as he wanted to make me his slave. What he was saying was that it wasn't my responsibility and that he wanted Angie not being so uptight and just going with the flow... like when I take the boys out to dance in the rain, dance with the dogs in the kitchen, making yummy dinners before 9:00 pm, cry late at night because it meant so much to me to help a kid with his homework (when I didn't want anyone else to know that it meant that much to me), everyone actually having clean clothes without it being on the "fly", hearing me being excited about going on a field trip to Raleigh with a kid to see the Capital, dance in the dark to whatever the latest song might be (because my heart was singing), and him being able to hear that laugh that my friends call "the full belly Angie laugh".
I think if I can just look straight forward into the eyes of my husband and allow him to guide me, I can learn that all these things I have let others make me think I should be might not be as important...I still fear I won't like house work.....I need a full house surround sound blasting Imagine Dragons to make that even remotely sound appealing...
I still want a job of my own...I need "fun money" of my own to spend stupidly, as stupidly as women spend money as they need to sometimes, whether it be my hair, my feet, my nails, or a hot pair of designer jeans. I think I have that covered as long as I can get this stupid back healed and no one give up on me.......I'm made for helping people, it's how God made me....I can't change that. This job is exactly what my heart needed...
