What Does It REALLY Mean To Say "I will take over until you can again"?

Talking to a trusted friend is 10x better than journaling in my honest opinion. Now, does journaling have it's place, OMG YES. The brilliant thing about tonight was that I asked God earlier today to help me understand my "stepkids". Funny thing is, it happened when  I was talking to someone I dearly love that is young and starting a new job, and how important it is to set up their 401k, and my brain started firing on everything I know about it and all the 50 million scenarios as to what can happen between now and retirement.

 We transitioned into him getting his own life set up in his own place and how that doesn’t happen overnight. I was sharing all the things I need to do to pay back the people that have been there for me during my injury/health issue, and why it is so important that he do that for those that have done for him when he couldn't, before he leaves their home.

My brain went back to analyzing why the "little guy" just wanted to sleep downstairs on the couch tonight. I started digging deep, because that is what I learned to do. I remembered that we told Nick, because he was only 6 years old, that his Mom was sick and needed to get help. We told him that when she got better, she would come back and be able to take care of him again.  Until then, Brian and I would be taking care of him.

Today, I have a serious back injury. I haven’t been able to do anything around this house for 4 weeks.  He always refers to my injury as me being sick. I keep telling him, I'm not sick, just injured. Jacob told me how upset Nick was when Brian had to take me to the hospital when this happened.  Nick was helpful at first, but then got kind of distant. I didn’t get it until tonight. He was worried I wasn’t coming back, like his biological Mom. He started not coming home for curfew, and then pulled the thing at school where he didn’t get on the bus. I went and got him anyway. I showed him!! But what if I could not have driven that day?? I don't think it would have mattered to me anymore than it did that day...In my eyes, that is my kid, and he isn't going to pull any wool over my eyes, regardless of my situation! Honestly, I think I would have called a driver service, even if it did cost me $100 to go 1 mile down the road. I didn't okay him to do that. He was told to come home.... I would have done it for no other purpose than to let him know that no matter my physical condition, I'm still in charge. What I have realized today...he appreciated it.

Today at his game, he was openly affectionate, which is not normal for a kid his age. He wanted to keep me in his immediate visual area. I picked up on that fairly early and stayed within easy visual awareness so he knew I was there every minute, especially with Brian traveling. Never did it dawn on me, until watching him sleep on the couch tonight and talking to CJ, did I realize that when he was 6 years old, I personally told him his Mommy would come back as soon as she was well to take care of him, and to this day, she has not.  It almost makes me hate her even more than I already do, but fact of the matter is….she has nothing to do with me. I AM completely independent of her. Brian may not be, but I am. I made a promise that I couldn’t keep, because regardless of what she had done to me, I thought her kids would actually matter to her. I was ridiculously wrong. My goal today is to make sure that I do MY part as his step mommy,  and in my eyes at this stage of the game, custodial mommy, to meet his needs.

Now, there are those of you that ask, why the hell is she saying custodial mommy?  The reason is that Nick’s biological mom does actually take the time to talk to them on the phone or skype a couple times a week today. Does she do anything to help meet any physical need they have today, other than conversation and tell them what they want to hear?...NO.  Does that really have to matter to me today?!! NO!! And can I actually say, Hell NO!!

She might be their biological Mom, but after a few weeks, it really wouldn’t matter. I can’t speak for the bond I have with Kris or Jake, but Nick. It doesn’t matter what she has to offer, after awhile of her being her, he will come back to me. I love him with my whole heart and soul and he knows it. He trusts me to love him and take care of him. Jake would want to see if she would do it. Nick might follow, but within a week he would call me…if she didn’t take his cell phone from him or forbid him to call me like last time....

Now, the hard part in this. Do I want to keep him from his biological mother? HELL NO, she makes me look FABULOUS! Does it bother me that she is "talking of coming back"? Yes, for SEVERAL reasons. One, how can Brian, after all she has done to HIM allow the boys to see her? She robbed him blind, dropped them in his lap (with the understanding that his new wife would take care of them), then refuses to do ANYTHING to financially raise them. Two, has a husband that has multiple records, across multiple states for aggravated assault and substance abuse (I do not want these kids left alone with him, not to mention he has already scared the ever loving crap out of Nick!!!) Three, she continues to show complete inability to parent these children on an adult level...continues to find it humorous to get under the stepmothers skin by stalking her facebook page (just read it and tell me how much of a real woman that is), refuses to pay child support, has not contacted father for any update on child progress or anything otherwise for that matter in 2+ years. Father had to use child's phone to get response so father could give mother opportunity to see children when flying for family vacation (obviously non-related to biological mother) through mother's "current" hometown.

So, now that I look at it all and understand  why Nick won't get off the couch, because he wants to be with me, do I want to take some sort of parental credit or status...no, I've been through enough, and so have they. I want to love him and snuggle him for as long as he will allow me. I want to be there for when he falls, moral support primarily. I want to guide him through success and be his mentor as long as I live. In other words, I want to be his "real mom". He can still have his biological mom all day long. I don't need the competition. I never have and I never will. Now I understand why God made me this way. The day I said "I will take over until you can" did I ever think it was forever. Now, at this stage of the game? What is it that you really want??

You, Me & Dupree (3 kids)

Ever seen the move "You, Me, & Dupree"? Good God. I love Owen Wilson. I never realized how much of that movie had to do with me, until today. My husband has really shown me in so ways, I didn't even realize, how much he loves me and how much faith he has in me as a human being. Lately, I have really been questioning my life choices and whether or not I am even remotely worthy of my place in the world today. To make sense of what I just stated, in the movie, Owen Wilson, who appears to be the most lazy, worthless of the entire group, shows his friends Carl  (Matt Dillon) and new wife Molly (Kate Hudson; of whom I personally think is the most beautiful woman on the planet), how amazing each of them are in their own ways, by his screwing up on every level known to man....much how kids do, mind you. The beauty of Owen's role as Dupree ... he talks about his best friend's "Carlism" and how amazing life is because of his friendship with Carl and how amazing his friends' Carl-ism's are. Well, tonight I was trying to share with my husband all the things that "used to make me ME, and how I had myself to a point that I was a "woman worthy of him" when I married him, and how I don't feel like I am today and how frustrated that makes me feel.
He pulled a Dupree on me!! How dare he!! HAHAHA...He actually had the balls to tell me I am a better woman today...all the while looking at me straight in the eye with all the love in his heart a person like me could ever see!!! OMG! How dare he?  I'm trying to tell this man how much of a screw up I am, and he tells me I make this family better....
He proceeds to tell me that I can't deal with "change" within myself. Now, he didn't reference the movie, that is all me, but the first thing I thought of was how up tight Carl was, and how hard he was trying to make everything perfect in his new world, being married, with Molly. That was/is me over the past 5 years. I  was trying to succeed as a professional, make as much money as possible, and be able to say that I "had achieved". I wanted to make a secure financial foundation for my new family. I honestly felt like I had a responsibility to do that!!! I felt like I wasn't worth anything if I didn't!!! I had just acquired a husband, I had 3 kids to RAISE!! I needed to be freakin' phenomenal!!!!! I needed to be everything everyone else had never been...in my eyes......
The one thing I promised my husband when I married him was that I would ALWAYS have a career, work, and he could always count on me. When I lost my job, he asked me to stay home. At first I was so burnt out I was okay with it. I needed a break. But, when I really thought about it, I didn't get it. Did he just want me dependent, so he could control me? How dare he say that my "Angie-isms' be what make this family work. My ego started working on me. What HE really meant was I was good for the boys. I took it as he wanted to make me his slave. What he was saying was that it wasn't my responsibility and that he wanted Angie not being so uptight and just going with the flow... like when I take the boys out to dance in the rain, dance with the dogs in the kitchen, making yummy dinners before 9:00 pm, cry late at night because it meant so much to me to help a kid with his homework (when I didn't want anyone else to know that it meant that much to me), everyone actually having clean clothes without it being on the "fly", hearing me being excited about going on a field trip to Raleigh with a kid to see the Capital, dance in the dark to whatever the latest song might be (because my heart was singing),  and him being able to hear that laugh that my friends call "the full belly Angie laugh".
I think if I can just look straight forward into the eyes of my husband and allow him to guide me, I can learn that all these things I have let others make me think I should be might not be as important...I still fear I won't like house work.....I need a full house surround sound blasting Imagine Dragons to make that even remotely sound appealing...
I still want a job of my own...I need "fun money" of my own to spend stupidly, as stupidly as women spend money as they need to sometimes, whether it be my hair, my feet, my nails, or a hot pair of designer jeans. I think I have that covered as long as I can get this stupid back healed and no one give up on me.......I'm made for helping people, it's how God made me....I can't change that. This job is exactly what my heart needed...

Real Life, New Me, Real HOPE

It has been awhile since I have put anything to paper (or in this case, a blog). Over the last few weeks, I've started journaling again and getting a real grip on what has happened over the last 3 years. I have spent a better part of the last 2 years in some level of depression, whether is was a level 1 to a level 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. The last year being predominately between a 6 - 8 for many reasons.

A few weeks ago, something happened to me, from what I would have previously considered a most unlikely source. I have been struggling, for close to a year now, to get a grip on who I am, what my purpose is, and where I am going. A woman, of whom I did not want to trust, put her hands on me and prayed the most heartfelt, genuine prayer, I have ever experienced from anyone EVER, and God showed himself to me again. This is the 3rd time HE has found someone to find me when I was lost. I'm grateful for her support of love.

For the 1st time since I have started this journey of leaving the career world behind and becoming a full time stepmom and wife, have I embraced my role. I have found resources, and actually asked for HELP for resources, to get me to the place where I can become the woman I want to be in this role!! I don't ask for help unless I'm ready to die. My Dad gets upset with me all the time for not asking when I need it, but waiting until it is so bad that he can't do much. Something happened that night when I allowed myself to open up and pray with her. A week later I even went so far as to open up to my Dad about the depression and my other medical needs due to having. cancer 11 years ago! It was like it was coming out of me before I could stop it.

As a result, I feel more ME since that experience than I have in the last 4 years. I'm embracing my new life by learning how to "eliminate clutter", extreme couponing, and learning how to make laundry more fun by incorporating things I like to watch on TV while folding (stupid as that may seem). Due to the needs of Jacob as well, we are completely revamping this house to move him downstairs to have his own room.... this time the furniture and decor WILL have ME in the upstairs and not just hidden downstairs. I need my books...it's who I am. I need them front and center in my home, whether it is my living room or bedroom. I need to see my books all the time. That way I can contemplate which one I am reading next....

I'm also learning how to be a better StepMom (or as some say a BONUS Mom). Right now, I'm the only female parent they have. I'm just trying to make sure they grow into productive, self sufficient men. I would hate to give another woman a man that can't take care of himself. This has been hard enough.

It's time for some study, reflection, re-examination, and implementation on my part. I'm ready!