What Does It REALLY Mean To Say "I will take over until you can again"?

Talking to a trusted friend is 10x better than journaling in my honest opinion. Now, does journaling have it's place, OMG YES. The brilliant thing about tonight was that I asked God earlier today to help me understand my "stepkids". Funny thing is, it happened when  I was talking to someone I dearly love that is young and starting a new job, and how important it is to set up their 401k, and my brain started firing on everything I know about it and all the 50 million scenarios as to what can happen between now and retirement.

 We transitioned into him getting his own life set up in his own place and how that doesn’t happen overnight. I was sharing all the things I need to do to pay back the people that have been there for me during my injury/health issue, and why it is so important that he do that for those that have done for him when he couldn't, before he leaves their home.

My brain went back to analyzing why the "little guy" just wanted to sleep downstairs on the couch tonight. I started digging deep, because that is what I learned to do. I remembered that we told Nick, because he was only 6 years old, that his Mom was sick and needed to get help. We told him that when she got better, she would come back and be able to take care of him again.  Until then, Brian and I would be taking care of him.

Today, I have a serious back injury. I haven’t been able to do anything around this house for 4 weeks.  He always refers to my injury as me being sick. I keep telling him, I'm not sick, just injured. Jacob told me how upset Nick was when Brian had to take me to the hospital when this happened.  Nick was helpful at first, but then got kind of distant. I didn’t get it until tonight. He was worried I wasn’t coming back, like his biological Mom. He started not coming home for curfew, and then pulled the thing at school where he didn’t get on the bus. I went and got him anyway. I showed him!! But what if I could not have driven that day?? I don't think it would have mattered to me anymore than it did that day...In my eyes, that is my kid, and he isn't going to pull any wool over my eyes, regardless of my situation! Honestly, I think I would have called a driver service, even if it did cost me $100 to go 1 mile down the road. I didn't okay him to do that. He was told to come home.... I would have done it for no other purpose than to let him know that no matter my physical condition, I'm still in charge. What I have realized today...he appreciated it.

Today at his game, he was openly affectionate, which is not normal for a kid his age. He wanted to keep me in his immediate visual area. I picked up on that fairly early and stayed within easy visual awareness so he knew I was there every minute, especially with Brian traveling. Never did it dawn on me, until watching him sleep on the couch tonight and talking to CJ, did I realize that when he was 6 years old, I personally told him his Mommy would come back as soon as she was well to take care of him, and to this day, she has not.  It almost makes me hate her even more than I already do, but fact of the matter is….she has nothing to do with me. I AM completely independent of her. Brian may not be, but I am. I made a promise that I couldn’t keep, because regardless of what she had done to me, I thought her kids would actually matter to her. I was ridiculously wrong. My goal today is to make sure that I do MY part as his step mommy,  and in my eyes at this stage of the game, custodial mommy, to meet his needs.

Now, there are those of you that ask, why the hell is she saying custodial mommy?  The reason is that Nick’s biological mom does actually take the time to talk to them on the phone or skype a couple times a week today. Does she do anything to help meet any physical need they have today, other than conversation and tell them what they want to hear?...NO.  Does that really have to matter to me today?!! NO!! And can I actually say, Hell NO!!

She might be their biological Mom, but after a few weeks, it really wouldn’t matter. I can’t speak for the bond I have with Kris or Jake, but Nick. It doesn’t matter what she has to offer, after awhile of her being her, he will come back to me. I love him with my whole heart and soul and he knows it. He trusts me to love him and take care of him. Jake would want to see if she would do it. Nick might follow, but within a week he would call me…if she didn’t take his cell phone from him or forbid him to call me like last time....

Now, the hard part in this. Do I want to keep him from his biological mother? HELL NO, she makes me look FABULOUS! Does it bother me that she is "talking of coming back"? Yes, for SEVERAL reasons. One, how can Brian, after all she has done to HIM allow the boys to see her? She robbed him blind, dropped them in his lap (with the understanding that his new wife would take care of them), then refuses to do ANYTHING to financially raise them. Two, has a husband that has multiple records, across multiple states for aggravated assault and substance abuse (I do not want these kids left alone with him, not to mention he has already scared the ever loving crap out of Nick!!!) Three, she continues to show complete inability to parent these children on an adult level...continues to find it humorous to get under the stepmothers skin by stalking her facebook page (just read it and tell me how much of a real woman that is), refuses to pay child support, has not contacted father for any update on child progress or anything otherwise for that matter in 2+ years. Father had to use child's phone to get response so father could give mother opportunity to see children when flying for family vacation (obviously non-related to biological mother) through mother's "current" hometown.

So, now that I look at it all and understand  why Nick won't get off the couch, because he wants to be with me, do I want to take some sort of parental credit or status...no, I've been through enough, and so have they. I want to love him and snuggle him for as long as he will allow me. I want to be there for when he falls, moral support primarily. I want to guide him through success and be his mentor as long as I live. In other words, I want to be his "real mom". He can still have his biological mom all day long. I don't need the competition. I never have and I never will. Now I understand why God made me this way. The day I said "I will take over until you can" did I ever think it was forever. Now, at this stage of the game? What is it that you really want??