VULNERABLE

I am really struggling with all of the changes from the past 2 months. I lost my job the 2nd week of August and lost my Mom that last day of August. Although I am grateful I was able to spend those last days with my Mom, and I really like staying at home, I'm really struggling with the transition from Career Woman to Stay-At-Home Mom.

I think one of the issues I'm having with staying home is the fact that I am a StepMom. Even with the situation of having full custody, being the one and only 24/7 Mom, and their BioMom moving to Illinois, I feel like I'm putting myself at risk for failure and heartbreak. Is that just a part of becoming VULNERABLE? Is my fear just one more way of alerting me to the fact that I am allowing myself to become VULNERABLE?

I worked very hard, and for several years, to get myself college educated so that I would never have to be VULNERABLE. I wanted to take care of myself financially, emotionally, and physically. One of my biggest fears is to be left alone, broke, with no place to sleep at night.

World English Dictionary

vulnerable (ˈvʌlnərəb ə l)
— adj
1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

This is the BIG question I keep asking myself - "Why am I having such a hard time embracing doing WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO"?? I think I just don't trust that it is real. I think I have always had to work so hard to get anywhere, that I can't grasp the simple fact that I can do this. It seems too simple. Nothing has ever been simple for me. I have always had to struggle.   Honestly, another issue, which goes back to being VULNERABLE, I don't know how to let someone else take care of me. I feel like I always have to "pay my way" or be an "equal contributor". Although I know that what I am doing IS part of being a TEAM, I still can't seem to wrap my head around it enough to feel "safe". I am so scared that as soon as I get myself acclimated to being a "Chief Domestic Officer", as one of my friends called it, something will happen and I will NEED to go back to work. Then I will have been out of the workforce and deemed "unworthy".   When it comes down to it, I have never allowed myself to be this VULNERABLE. I have always made sure that I had some level of "personal security", should I ever need to remove myself from an undesirable situation. In addition, I always knew that if anything went too wrong, my Mom would help me. Now she isn't here to help me.   Fact of the matter is, my life is darn near perfect. I have everything I want and need. I'm 41 years old and this is the 1st time in my life I have ever allowed myself to be this VULNERABLE. Maybe it is time that I just put my trust in God, knowing that HIS WILL is being done, not mine, and that it just so happens that it is exactly what I want, and be okay with it. So much of this has been so completely out of my control, yet everything is working out, that truly, there is no other explanation.....

Missing My Mom

My Mom LOVED music. She danced on the Dick Clark Show. She let me dance on her feet when I was little. Music has been something we have always shared, from the time I could comprehend music. I too have always loved music and dance. I got it from her, I'm certain. Music has been the one thing in my life that has always helped me get through the hard times when I couldn't deal with things in my normal daily life. I have music playing right now. Music opens my heart, my mind, and my spirit whenever I feel closed in, trapped, or just when I need to dance my heart out to get whatever is hurting OUT. Music helps me cry, because I try to be way too strong, but when I can finally get alone and just listen to music... the tears just fall freely, with no shame.

I also dance when I'm happy. Which most people see more than the other, because I truly am more happy than sad today. That is a true blessing.

I miss the Mom I had from the day I was born until age 8 and then from 11 to 13. Something went wrong when we moved from California to Kansas. I got her back for awhile, but it was never the same, then we moved to North Carolina. I got her for a little while there, then something else happened that took her from me and she went back to Kansas without me. I never got her back after that. I don't really know if it was me or her, but it was never that "dancing on her feet" that I needed  ever again. She didn't go to my college graduation. The excuse was that she was ill...she wasn't that ill then. That always hurt me, because getting through college on my own was so hard. My Dad was at my graduation with me.....

I am grateful for EVERYTHING my mother (and Dad of course) have ever given me or done for me over the years. I would not have made it without them. They always made sure I had plenty of access to music!! Thank you Dad!

From 2008 to 9/17/2012

Again, here I am, at the suggestion of another friend to blog. My life has developed so much since my original blog in 2008. So many things have happened, along with so many changes. It is time that I start putting some of this stuff to print. I don't have a theme, a particular topic or idea, or any real plan of action for what will come next. All I do know is that it is time for me to start writing.

I have some updates to my original blog. My mother passed August 31, 2012. She always thought I should be writing books. I never had enough time to sit down and do that.... until now.

My dog referenced in the 1st blog had to be put to sleep a few weeks after I married the man also discussed there. I now have Carly (3 year old Tibetian Terrier) and Spencer (2 year old Golden Retriever). I named my dogs after the show iCarly, as that is a favorite for me and The Boys. We hope to have a "Gibby" soon.

I no longer work in Corporate America. After much effort to be an effective mother to my husband's children, while trying to have a real career, it proved to be a mute point. The company gave me a fabulous promotion and within 3 months were asking me to quit. No, it isn't because I wasn't great at what I did. New management, means new managers with agendas and friends that will help them achieve their agendas. I have received so many calls from people I worked with all over the country asking me "what the heck is going on".... today, NOT MY PROBLEM. I say, "Let them figure it out". The way I look at it, no one is indispensible. People are easily replaced. The issue with my job was that they didn't think they needed what I had to offer. I was specifically told that you are too "system" minded, and "we just don't have any place in our department for that". My beef... I single handedly learned their system, MOSTLY BY MYSELF, which I don't even know any other of the HRIS people in the company that did that!! I saved them so much money and headache, but I guess I didn't "politic" quite right. I believe in working and not spending my lunches shopping and "doing drinks" after work... have a family... thanks, but no thanks. Today, I am an esctatically happy "Stay-At-Home MOM"!!

Going forward, you will read about my life - what it has been, what it is, and my thoughts/feelings/opinions going into the future. I welcome all feedback - good, bad, or indifferent. My only goal is to share my experiences to maybe let you know that your "aren't the only one" or bring awareness around things I find important. Please stayed tuned... there is more to come....