VULNERABLE

I am really struggling with all of the changes from the past 2 months. I lost my job the 2nd week of August and lost my Mom that last day of August. Although I am grateful I was able to spend those last days with my Mom, and I really like staying at home, I'm really struggling with the transition from Career Woman to Stay-At-Home Mom.

I think one of the issues I'm having with staying home is the fact that I am a StepMom. Even with the situation of having full custody, being the one and only 24/7 Mom, and their BioMom moving to Illinois, I feel like I'm putting myself at risk for failure and heartbreak. Is that just a part of becoming VULNERABLE? Is my fear just one more way of alerting me to the fact that I am allowing myself to become VULNERABLE?

I worked very hard, and for several years, to get myself college educated so that I would never have to be VULNERABLE. I wanted to take care of myself financially, emotionally, and physically. One of my biggest fears is to be left alone, broke, with no place to sleep at night.

World English Dictionary

vulnerable (ˈvʌlnərəb ə l)
— adj
1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

This is the BIG question I keep asking myself - "Why am I having such a hard time embracing doing WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO"?? I think I just don't trust that it is real. I think I have always had to work so hard to get anywhere, that I can't grasp the simple fact that I can do this. It seems too simple. Nothing has ever been simple for me. I have always had to struggle.   Honestly, another issue, which goes back to being VULNERABLE, I don't know how to let someone else take care of me. I feel like I always have to "pay my way" or be an "equal contributor". Although I know that what I am doing IS part of being a TEAM, I still can't seem to wrap my head around it enough to feel "safe". I am so scared that as soon as I get myself acclimated to being a "Chief Domestic Officer", as one of my friends called it, something will happen and I will NEED to go back to work. Then I will have been out of the workforce and deemed "unworthy".   When it comes down to it, I have never allowed myself to be this VULNERABLE. I have always made sure that I had some level of "personal security", should I ever need to remove myself from an undesirable situation. In addition, I always knew that if anything went too wrong, my Mom would help me. Now she isn't here to help me.   Fact of the matter is, my life is darn near perfect. I have everything I want and need. I'm 41 years old and this is the 1st time in my life I have ever allowed myself to be this VULNERABLE. Maybe it is time that I just put my trust in God, knowing that HIS WILL is being done, not mine, and that it just so happens that it is exactly what I want, and be okay with it. So much of this has been so completely out of my control, yet everything is working out, that truly, there is no other explanation.....