What Does It REALLY Mean To Say "I will take over until you can again"?

Talking to a trusted friend is 10x better than journaling in my honest opinion. Now, does journaling have it's place, OMG YES. The brilliant thing about tonight was that I asked God earlier today to help me understand my "stepkids". Funny thing is, it happened when  I was talking to someone I dearly love that is young and starting a new job, and how important it is to set up their 401k, and my brain started firing on everything I know about it and all the 50 million scenarios as to what can happen between now and retirement.

 We transitioned into him getting his own life set up in his own place and how that doesn’t happen overnight. I was sharing all the things I need to do to pay back the people that have been there for me during my injury/health issue, and why it is so important that he do that for those that have done for him when he couldn't, before he leaves their home.

My brain went back to analyzing why the "little guy" just wanted to sleep downstairs on the couch tonight. I started digging deep, because that is what I learned to do. I remembered that we told Nick, because he was only 6 years old, that his Mom was sick and needed to get help. We told him that when she got better, she would come back and be able to take care of him again.  Until then, Brian and I would be taking care of him.

Today, I have a serious back injury. I haven’t been able to do anything around this house for 4 weeks.  He always refers to my injury as me being sick. I keep telling him, I'm not sick, just injured. Jacob told me how upset Nick was when Brian had to take me to the hospital when this happened.  Nick was helpful at first, but then got kind of distant. I didn’t get it until tonight. He was worried I wasn’t coming back, like his biological Mom. He started not coming home for curfew, and then pulled the thing at school where he didn’t get on the bus. I went and got him anyway. I showed him!! But what if I could not have driven that day?? I don't think it would have mattered to me anymore than it did that day...In my eyes, that is my kid, and he isn't going to pull any wool over my eyes, regardless of my situation! Honestly, I think I would have called a driver service, even if it did cost me $100 to go 1 mile down the road. I didn't okay him to do that. He was told to come home.... I would have done it for no other purpose than to let him know that no matter my physical condition, I'm still in charge. What I have realized today...he appreciated it.

Today at his game, he was openly affectionate, which is not normal for a kid his age. He wanted to keep me in his immediate visual area. I picked up on that fairly early and stayed within easy visual awareness so he knew I was there every minute, especially with Brian traveling. Never did it dawn on me, until watching him sleep on the couch tonight and talking to CJ, did I realize that when he was 6 years old, I personally told him his Mommy would come back as soon as she was well to take care of him, and to this day, she has not.  It almost makes me hate her even more than I already do, but fact of the matter is….she has nothing to do with me. I AM completely independent of her. Brian may not be, but I am. I made a promise that I couldn’t keep, because regardless of what she had done to me, I thought her kids would actually matter to her. I was ridiculously wrong. My goal today is to make sure that I do MY part as his step mommy,  and in my eyes at this stage of the game, custodial mommy, to meet his needs.

Now, there are those of you that ask, why the hell is she saying custodial mommy?  The reason is that Nick’s biological mom does actually take the time to talk to them on the phone or skype a couple times a week today. Does she do anything to help meet any physical need they have today, other than conversation and tell them what they want to hear?...NO.  Does that really have to matter to me today?!! NO!! And can I actually say, Hell NO!!

She might be their biological Mom, but after a few weeks, it really wouldn’t matter. I can’t speak for the bond I have with Kris or Jake, but Nick. It doesn’t matter what she has to offer, after awhile of her being her, he will come back to me. I love him with my whole heart and soul and he knows it. He trusts me to love him and take care of him. Jake would want to see if she would do it. Nick might follow, but within a week he would call me…if she didn’t take his cell phone from him or forbid him to call me like last time....

Now, the hard part in this. Do I want to keep him from his biological mother? HELL NO, she makes me look FABULOUS! Does it bother me that she is "talking of coming back"? Yes, for SEVERAL reasons. One, how can Brian, after all she has done to HIM allow the boys to see her? She robbed him blind, dropped them in his lap (with the understanding that his new wife would take care of them), then refuses to do ANYTHING to financially raise them. Two, has a husband that has multiple records, across multiple states for aggravated assault and substance abuse (I do not want these kids left alone with him, not to mention he has already scared the ever loving crap out of Nick!!!) Three, she continues to show complete inability to parent these children on an adult level...continues to find it humorous to get under the stepmothers skin by stalking her facebook page (just read it and tell me how much of a real woman that is), refuses to pay child support, has not contacted father for any update on child progress or anything otherwise for that matter in 2+ years. Father had to use child's phone to get response so father could give mother opportunity to see children when flying for family vacation (obviously non-related to biological mother) through mother's "current" hometown.

So, now that I look at it all and understand  why Nick won't get off the couch, because he wants to be with me, do I want to take some sort of parental credit or status...no, I've been through enough, and so have they. I want to love him and snuggle him for as long as he will allow me. I want to be there for when he falls, moral support primarily. I want to guide him through success and be his mentor as long as I live. In other words, I want to be his "real mom". He can still have his biological mom all day long. I don't need the competition. I never have and I never will. Now I understand why God made me this way. The day I said "I will take over until you can" did I ever think it was forever. Now, at this stage of the game? What is it that you really want??

You, Me & Dupree (3 kids)

Ever seen the move "You, Me, & Dupree"? Good God. I love Owen Wilson. I never realized how much of that movie had to do with me, until today. My husband has really shown me in so ways, I didn't even realize, how much he loves me and how much faith he has in me as a human being. Lately, I have really been questioning my life choices and whether or not I am even remotely worthy of my place in the world today. To make sense of what I just stated, in the movie, Owen Wilson, who appears to be the most lazy, worthless of the entire group, shows his friends Carl  (Matt Dillon) and new wife Molly (Kate Hudson; of whom I personally think is the most beautiful woman on the planet), how amazing each of them are in their own ways, by his screwing up on every level known to man....much how kids do, mind you. The beauty of Owen's role as Dupree ... he talks about his best friend's "Carlism" and how amazing life is because of his friendship with Carl and how amazing his friends' Carl-ism's are. Well, tonight I was trying to share with my husband all the things that "used to make me ME, and how I had myself to a point that I was a "woman worthy of him" when I married him, and how I don't feel like I am today and how frustrated that makes me feel.
He pulled a Dupree on me!! How dare he!! HAHAHA...He actually had the balls to tell me I am a better woman today...all the while looking at me straight in the eye with all the love in his heart a person like me could ever see!!! OMG! How dare he?  I'm trying to tell this man how much of a screw up I am, and he tells me I make this family better....
He proceeds to tell me that I can't deal with "change" within myself. Now, he didn't reference the movie, that is all me, but the first thing I thought of was how up tight Carl was, and how hard he was trying to make everything perfect in his new world, being married, with Molly. That was/is me over the past 5 years. I  was trying to succeed as a professional, make as much money as possible, and be able to say that I "had achieved". I wanted to make a secure financial foundation for my new family. I honestly felt like I had a responsibility to do that!!! I felt like I wasn't worth anything if I didn't!!! I had just acquired a husband, I had 3 kids to RAISE!! I needed to be freakin' phenomenal!!!!! I needed to be everything everyone else had never been...in my eyes......
The one thing I promised my husband when I married him was that I would ALWAYS have a career, work, and he could always count on me. When I lost my job, he asked me to stay home. At first I was so burnt out I was okay with it. I needed a break. But, when I really thought about it, I didn't get it. Did he just want me dependent, so he could control me? How dare he say that my "Angie-isms' be what make this family work. My ego started working on me. What HE really meant was I was good for the boys. I took it as he wanted to make me his slave. What he was saying was that it wasn't my responsibility and that he wanted Angie not being so uptight and just going with the flow... like when I take the boys out to dance in the rain, dance with the dogs in the kitchen, making yummy dinners before 9:00 pm, cry late at night because it meant so much to me to help a kid with his homework (when I didn't want anyone else to know that it meant that much to me), everyone actually having clean clothes without it being on the "fly", hearing me being excited about going on a field trip to Raleigh with a kid to see the Capital, dance in the dark to whatever the latest song might be (because my heart was singing),  and him being able to hear that laugh that my friends call "the full belly Angie laugh".
I think if I can just look straight forward into the eyes of my husband and allow him to guide me, I can learn that all these things I have let others make me think I should be might not be as important...I still fear I won't like house work.....I need a full house surround sound blasting Imagine Dragons to make that even remotely sound appealing...
I still want a job of my own...I need "fun money" of my own to spend stupidly, as stupidly as women spend money as they need to sometimes, whether it be my hair, my feet, my nails, or a hot pair of designer jeans. I think I have that covered as long as I can get this stupid back healed and no one give up on me.......I'm made for helping people, it's how God made me....I can't change that. This job is exactly what my heart needed...

Real Life, New Me, Real HOPE

It has been awhile since I have put anything to paper (or in this case, a blog). Over the last few weeks, I've started journaling again and getting a real grip on what has happened over the last 3 years. I have spent a better part of the last 2 years in some level of depression, whether is was a level 1 to a level 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. The last year being predominately between a 6 - 8 for many reasons.

A few weeks ago, something happened to me, from what I would have previously considered a most unlikely source. I have been struggling, for close to a year now, to get a grip on who I am, what my purpose is, and where I am going. A woman, of whom I did not want to trust, put her hands on me and prayed the most heartfelt, genuine prayer, I have ever experienced from anyone EVER, and God showed himself to me again. This is the 3rd time HE has found someone to find me when I was lost. I'm grateful for her support of love.

For the 1st time since I have started this journey of leaving the career world behind and becoming a full time stepmom and wife, have I embraced my role. I have found resources, and actually asked for HELP for resources, to get me to the place where I can become the woman I want to be in this role!! I don't ask for help unless I'm ready to die. My Dad gets upset with me all the time for not asking when I need it, but waiting until it is so bad that he can't do much. Something happened that night when I allowed myself to open up and pray with her. A week later I even went so far as to open up to my Dad about the depression and my other medical needs due to having. cancer 11 years ago! It was like it was coming out of me before I could stop it.

As a result, I feel more ME since that experience than I have in the last 4 years. I'm embracing my new life by learning how to "eliminate clutter", extreme couponing, and learning how to make laundry more fun by incorporating things I like to watch on TV while folding (stupid as that may seem). Due to the needs of Jacob as well, we are completely revamping this house to move him downstairs to have his own room.... this time the furniture and decor WILL have ME in the upstairs and not just hidden downstairs. I need my books...it's who I am. I need them front and center in my home, whether it is my living room or bedroom. I need to see my books all the time. That way I can contemplate which one I am reading next....

I'm also learning how to be a better StepMom (or as some say a BONUS Mom). Right now, I'm the only female parent they have. I'm just trying to make sure they grow into productive, self sufficient men. I would hate to give another woman a man that can't take care of himself. This has been hard enough.

It's time for some study, reflection, re-examination, and implementation on my part. I'm ready!

VULNERABLE

I am really struggling with all of the changes from the past 2 months. I lost my job the 2nd week of August and lost my Mom that last day of August. Although I am grateful I was able to spend those last days with my Mom, and I really like staying at home, I'm really struggling with the transition from Career Woman to Stay-At-Home Mom.

I think one of the issues I'm having with staying home is the fact that I am a StepMom. Even with the situation of having full custody, being the one and only 24/7 Mom, and their BioMom moving to Illinois, I feel like I'm putting myself at risk for failure and heartbreak. Is that just a part of becoming VULNERABLE? Is my fear just one more way of alerting me to the fact that I am allowing myself to become VULNERABLE?

I worked very hard, and for several years, to get myself college educated so that I would never have to be VULNERABLE. I wanted to take care of myself financially, emotionally, and physically. One of my biggest fears is to be left alone, broke, with no place to sleep at night.

World English Dictionary

vulnerable (ˈvʌlnərəb ə l)
— adj
1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

This is the BIG question I keep asking myself - "Why am I having such a hard time embracing doing WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO"?? I think I just don't trust that it is real. I think I have always had to work so hard to get anywhere, that I can't grasp the simple fact that I can do this. It seems too simple. Nothing has ever been simple for me. I have always had to struggle.   Honestly, another issue, which goes back to being VULNERABLE, I don't know how to let someone else take care of me. I feel like I always have to "pay my way" or be an "equal contributor". Although I know that what I am doing IS part of being a TEAM, I still can't seem to wrap my head around it enough to feel "safe". I am so scared that as soon as I get myself acclimated to being a "Chief Domestic Officer", as one of my friends called it, something will happen and I will NEED to go back to work. Then I will have been out of the workforce and deemed "unworthy".   When it comes down to it, I have never allowed myself to be this VULNERABLE. I have always made sure that I had some level of "personal security", should I ever need to remove myself from an undesirable situation. In addition, I always knew that if anything went too wrong, my Mom would help me. Now she isn't here to help me.   Fact of the matter is, my life is darn near perfect. I have everything I want and need. I'm 41 years old and this is the 1st time in my life I have ever allowed myself to be this VULNERABLE. Maybe it is time that I just put my trust in God, knowing that HIS WILL is being done, not mine, and that it just so happens that it is exactly what I want, and be okay with it. So much of this has been so completely out of my control, yet everything is working out, that truly, there is no other explanation.....

Missing My Mom

My Mom LOVED music. She danced on the Dick Clark Show. She let me dance on her feet when I was little. Music has been something we have always shared, from the time I could comprehend music. I too have always loved music and dance. I got it from her, I'm certain. Music has been the one thing in my life that has always helped me get through the hard times when I couldn't deal with things in my normal daily life. I have music playing right now. Music opens my heart, my mind, and my spirit whenever I feel closed in, trapped, or just when I need to dance my heart out to get whatever is hurting OUT. Music helps me cry, because I try to be way too strong, but when I can finally get alone and just listen to music... the tears just fall freely, with no shame.

I also dance when I'm happy. Which most people see more than the other, because I truly am more happy than sad today. That is a true blessing.

I miss the Mom I had from the day I was born until age 8 and then from 11 to 13. Something went wrong when we moved from California to Kansas. I got her back for awhile, but it was never the same, then we moved to North Carolina. I got her for a little while there, then something else happened that took her from me and she went back to Kansas without me. I never got her back after that. I don't really know if it was me or her, but it was never that "dancing on her feet" that I needed  ever again. She didn't go to my college graduation. The excuse was that she was ill...she wasn't that ill then. That always hurt me, because getting through college on my own was so hard. My Dad was at my graduation with me.....

I am grateful for EVERYTHING my mother (and Dad of course) have ever given me or done for me over the years. I would not have made it without them. They always made sure I had plenty of access to music!! Thank you Dad!

From 2008 to 9/17/2012

Again, here I am, at the suggestion of another friend to blog. My life has developed so much since my original blog in 2008. So many things have happened, along with so many changes. It is time that I start putting some of this stuff to print. I don't have a theme, a particular topic or idea, or any real plan of action for what will come next. All I do know is that it is time for me to start writing.

I have some updates to my original blog. My mother passed August 31, 2012. She always thought I should be writing books. I never had enough time to sit down and do that.... until now.

My dog referenced in the 1st blog had to be put to sleep a few weeks after I married the man also discussed there. I now have Carly (3 year old Tibetian Terrier) and Spencer (2 year old Golden Retriever). I named my dogs after the show iCarly, as that is a favorite for me and The Boys. We hope to have a "Gibby" soon.

I no longer work in Corporate America. After much effort to be an effective mother to my husband's children, while trying to have a real career, it proved to be a mute point. The company gave me a fabulous promotion and within 3 months were asking me to quit. No, it isn't because I wasn't great at what I did. New management, means new managers with agendas and friends that will help them achieve their agendas. I have received so many calls from people I worked with all over the country asking me "what the heck is going on".... today, NOT MY PROBLEM. I say, "Let them figure it out". The way I look at it, no one is indispensible. People are easily replaced. The issue with my job was that they didn't think they needed what I had to offer. I was specifically told that you are too "system" minded, and "we just don't have any place in our department for that". My beef... I single handedly learned their system, MOSTLY BY MYSELF, which I don't even know any other of the HRIS people in the company that did that!! I saved them so much money and headache, but I guess I didn't "politic" quite right. I believe in working and not spending my lunches shopping and "doing drinks" after work... have a family... thanks, but no thanks. Today, I am an esctatically happy "Stay-At-Home MOM"!!

Going forward, you will read about my life - what it has been, what it is, and my thoughts/feelings/opinions going into the future. I welcome all feedback - good, bad, or indifferent. My only goal is to share my experiences to maybe let you know that your "aren't the only one" or bring awareness around things I find important. Please stayed tuned... there is more to come....

Who Am I?

I am a 37 year old single female, currently in a relationship with a wonderful man that adores me. Although I have to admit, this relationship is by far not void of struggles. He has 3 sons. I can not have children, so they have been a fabulous addition to my life.

I have a decent job working in Human Resources. I enjoy it and, for the most part, pays the bills. My journey into this position is quite interesting, in my opinion. I avoided Corporate America like the plague. When I got out of college my life was such a mess that I didn't know if I was coming or going. I took a Temp job for a General Contractor building the building that I work in today. My life was a true mess when I took that position, but for some reason, that man believed in me. He helped me get on as an Administrative Assistant to a Senior Operations Manager directly under the president of our company. From there I was able to prove my potential and move into a Human Resources position, which is more suited to my degree...that I am still paying for.

I have 2 parents still living and still married, which in today's world I find amazing. They love me with all their heart, even though I have put them through A LOT.

I have incredible friends that love me and believe in me. Up until the last few years, friends did not hold the same meaning they do for me today. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I do are REAL friends. I don't like casual friendships. I don't have enough time to be quite honest. I put a lot of myself into the friendships I have. I just don't feel that I should waste time on things that don't have meaning.

I have a 15 year old Cocker Spaniel named Peanut. She has been with me through many years of my struggle.

I read a lot. I like to learn new things about life. I seem to have this incredible desire to understand everything about life and how life is outside of my little world. I want to know how people of other cultures experience life. I spent 2 months in Glasgow, Scotland. It was the best time of my life. It turned me onto the desire of understanding the world. For once in my life, I was able to see that life is not the same everywhere. I was able to step out of my American culture for just long enough to see there is something besides the American way of thinking and living. In my quest to understand other cultures, I am also trying to understand myself as a human being.